Land-line telephone outlets will be installed next to every electric socket, and students will be able to carry around telephone cords for faster access. The Help Desk will even be providing free CDs containing 500 hours of Internet access, in a move to copy the success of other major service providers such as AOL.
Students have expressed satisfaction at the new Internet plan’s increased reliability. Unlike the previous wireless connection, which required five minutes of reconnecting to access one page, this will shorten times to one minute per page at 3kb/second. Now, students in classrooms two floors above the central wireless routers will not have to worry they are too far to establish a viable connection.
“I can’t wait,” said KUIW host Brandon Morgan. “At least that way, I won’t worry about whatever I’m looking at getting wiped every five minutes by that Cisco login screen.”
As a result of the slow dial-up speed, students will no longer be able to download viruses, as their connections will be too slow. This means UIW will at last cut its Barracuda program, which for a long time disabled biology professors from accessing useful research on anatomy simply because the article contained the word “breasts.” Students who are browsing outside the classroom and feel a poorly designed web filter has no business telling them they can’t access FarmVille will also rejoice.
However, the new dial-up plan is not without its flaws. Due to UIW’s new cutting-edge slowness, those who enjoyed the authentic high-school experience created by the school’s web filters will remain left out. Said one anonymous Facebook poster, “Personally, I enjoyed the Barracuda web filter. I liked feeling like I was back in Algebra Pre-AP, with Mrs. Johnson breathing over my neck to make sure that I couldn’t play Mario Tetris in the bonus computer time I got for finishing the problems early. I don’t like assuming that my school is sensible enough to install an antivirus to stop viruses; I want to think they’re as incompetent as my high school IT department.”
The new dial-up program will also come packaged with AOL Instant Messenger, KaZaA and Bonzi Buddy, for those who wish to have software as up-to-date as their connection speed. “We wanted to put our students ahead of the game,” stated an official memo from the Help Desk.
“Hell, with the wireless the way it is, even Kid Pix looks advanced.”
E-mail MacDonald at firstname.lastname@example.org