By Alfred MacDonald
LOGOS STAFF WRITER
Psychologists at the University of California at Berkeley published groundbreaking research about the differences between Westerners’ and Easterners’ studies.
The research suggests that while Westerners may make studies like a bunch of narcissistic frat boys wrestling each other drunk for glory, Easterners make studies like a bunch of people holding hands in a really passive-aggressive group hug.
“We have been waiting for this,” said Dr. Shelby. “There is evidence to suggest a moderate-to-strong correlation between self-promoting theses and American backgrounds. Further, Easterners tend to just get along really well, or whatever it is they do. They’re so cute!”
Research partner Deng Zhou agreed. “I make a note to stress that we’re all influenced by this American point of view. It’s that “ah-hah” moment – that moment where, for a split second, all that time rehearsing their fake “I understand” nodding culminates in a grand display of how full-of-crap one is. It’s beautiful.”
Following Zhou, Shelby recalled his summer trip to Beijing. “When I toured China, everyone was all ‘US US US,’ and when I moved back here, everyone was like ‘ME ME ME.’ It was total culture shock.”
“And now, we have reason to believe this carries into academia. A cross-cultural study comparing Beijing and Los Angeles professors has shown that American professors were likely to express a typical lame-o Western Enlightenment mentality by using the passive voice and hyper-focusing on ideas. Chinese professors, however, are far more likely to be published when they doodle Mao’s name in hearts on the side, expressing the will of the collective and the desire for group harmony. ”
“I look forward to follow-up studies,” Shelby said. “By simply taking any study and asking how that study applies to the group, I can generate vapid discussion of cultural differences for years to come! Take that, freshman philosophy majors!”
E-mail MacDonald at firstname.lastname@example.org